After I came out as trans, a lot of things changed. I’m not just talking physically. I’d been locking away a different person under the facade I was presenting myself as for so long even I didn’t fully know her. I’d always thought I was an introverted loner. I wasn’t really one for big crowds. I had fun at crowded events, but I was usually pretty content to be a small, invisible person among the chaos instead of drawing any attention. But that was Joe. Faith, on the other hand, loves to party! Get me on the dance floor, behind the podium, on the screen, near the microphone, anything! I love attention.
Mainly it’s just me being so happy to be free and authentic, but another part is my passion for educating others about transgender people. I want them to see me so they can see us. Now, I certainly don’t go around blurting out that I’m transgender to groups of strangers (except on Day of Visibility) but in certain environments where I feel safe I’m willing to divulge that information in order to help others. One of those places is my local gay bar.
I love that bar. It was a quintessential part of my coming out. Going there was my sanctuary back before I was out at work. After a long work day of pretending to be some guy named Joe, Faith wanted to put on a dress and go dancing. A lot has changed but I do still love going there to relax and see friends.
I was there last night and met a new person. She was very sweet. I love meeting new people. We started talking about our kids while we were dancing. At one point she asked something about my pregnancy. Now, that made me feel awesome because it meant she thought I was cisgender (that my real gender and birth-assigned gender were the same). Being that this was a safe place, I had no problem opening up about the fact that I’m transgender. There was a look of shock, which again what a big confidence booster to me. Then, it happened.
“So, have you had a sex change?”
If this woman had given me her name yet, I didn’t remember it. We’d never met outside of this one night at the bar. She didn’t know where I worked, where I grew up, where I lived, but she felt comfortable asking me if I’d had an incredibly invasive medical procedure. If you’re not transgender, you might not know that this actually happens with alarming regularity. When someone finds out a person is trans, they seem to have a sort of knee-jerk reaction to ask this highly personal question. I was really hoping this moment would be different; it wasn’t.
If you’ve never been in this situation, I can tell you that the brashness of the question isn’t the most surprising part. People don’t just ask you about your genitals and what kinds of procedures you’ve had performed on them, they do so with such alarming calmness. It’s the tone, the casual essence of the question, that’s truly incredible. She asked me about my genitals like one would ask what you had for dinner, and this isn’t something I’m not used to.
This is what makes situations like this so difficult to maneuver; they don’t even realize they’re asking something so deeply personal. This is casual banter to them! This puts me (and other transgender people) in a very difficult situation. On the one hand, I could answer her question and give this total stranger a glimpse into a deeply personal aspect of my life which would make me uncomfortable. On the other, I could refuse to answer the question and seem rude. What do I mean by seem rude? Well, think of how calmly she asked the question. How would you react if someone seemed offended when you asked them what their favorite type of music was? The invasive nature of the question doesn’t register in their mind, so to them a negative reaction makes you seem like the rude one.
So what did I do? *sigh* I answered her. I just replied with a simple “no” and hoped that would be the end of it. It wasn’t. “Are you going to get one?” *groan* If you’re surprised, you’ve obviously never been in this situation. Again, these people think this is mindless small talk. All I said was “someday” and thankfully that was the end of it. I didn’t want to answer. I wanted to keep my private life private. But I also wanted to keep having a good time. I didn’t want my evening tainted by an even more awkward moment of this woman acting offended and shocked that I suddenly blew her off.
Now, this might all seem like I’m going on a pedantic rant about something trivial. Maybe you don’t see any harm in her line of questioning. At face value, it looks like a harmless question. But there’s a lot to unpack below the surface. Asking such a question says a lot more about the asker than you might think.
Think of it this way: if you meet a new person and they’re in a wheelchair, would you ask them what happened to cripple them? Of course not. You’ve been taught that such is an invasive personal question and that it’s rude to ask. There’s a learned etiquette there. Some things are private and we’ve come to a cultural understanding about what is and isn’t appropriate to ask from our fellow human beings.
When this etiquette is broken with trans people, it sends an alarming implication: if you don’t think it’s rude to ask me that, then you don’t consider me of equal person-hood to everyone else. Shocking? It shouldn’t be. Now, I’m not saying this is a conscious thing. You may not actively be considering a transgender person less than anyone else, but on some subconscious level, you do. Our brains are remarkably good at categorizing things (sometimes to our own detriment) which allows us to consider our actions in any given situation.
If I go to a friends house and their dog has a cone around its neck, it would not be uncouth for me to ask what what procedure the animal had. The dog is not a person. It’s not going to feel offended by my question. It won’t even know I asked. If I see a surgery scar on someone, asking what it’s from would be incredibly rude. This is the distinction made in our minds that tells us what is and isn’t appropriate.
When you ask a transgender person about surgeries they’ve elected to have (especially if you’ve just met them), you’re displaying that your mind puts them on a lesser plane than other human beings. To you, transgender people aren’t actually people, so you can approach them from this angle of perverse fascination. You never stop to consider their feelings. You never stop to consider their privacy. They are the dog wearing the cone: oblivious to the notion that they’re even being discussed.
I still remember when I had to go to the Sheriff’s office to get fingerprinted so I could get my name changed (North Carolina laws suck). While I had my hand on the scanner, the deputy asked me why I was doing it. When I told her I was trans and it was to change my name, the next words out of her mouth were, “are you pre-op or post-op”. And she was smiling! She asked this question with a smile on her face like she wanted to impress me with the fact she knew anything about trans people at all. When I very boldly told her I didn’t want to discuss it, her eyes widened as the invasive nature of her question finally dawned on her. The rest of the session was spent with her apologizing over and over.
To wrap up, no, it is not just ‘being curious’ for you to ask a trans person about surgeries. Learning more about transgender people is a good thing. We need more education and understanding in the world. But if that’s your intention, go Google it. When you ask a personal question of a stranger, your more interested in shock-value gossip than actually learning anything. If you’ve ever done this, make a promise to yourself that you’ll never do it again. If you hear someone else do it, have the guts to point out that it’s rude. Trust me, the trans person they’re putting on the spot probably wants to but doesn’t want to feel like the villain. Basically, just stop doing this, period.
