Kaylee grew up dreading clothes shopping. Since she was little, her mom always took her to the same store in the mall to get everything. Each year, before school started, she’d take Kaylee and her two brothers out to get them an all new wardrobe. Her brothers loved it, but it pained her every time. The men’s section of the store was in the back, meaning they had to walk through the dress section to get there. Strolling through rack after rack of dresses was torture. She’d keep glancing back, staring at the things she wanted but couldn’t have for as long as she could. To make it worse, her brothers would often make fun of some of the items they passed. Anything with a lot of color or frills was something to point and laugh at. She always had to join in, less her brothers call her a faggot again and start punching her in the arm whenever mom wasn’t looking.
Now, clothes shopping was practically a sport to her. She adored going out to splurge on a new dress or pair of shoes. Even looking for simple jeans and t-shirts was a joy when she didn’t have to find them in the men’s section. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Kaylee and Roxy emerged from the Macy’s entrance and into Northlake Mall. They each already had bags in hand and Kaylee had a smile on her face. Shopping was like therapy to her.
“You ready for lunch?” Kaylee asked.
“I think I could eat,” Roxy replied. Her voice seemed distant, altered by the weight of whatever was on her mind.
“You’ve been in a fog all morning,” Kaylee said with concern. “You okay?”
“I’m worried about what’s going to come of that fuck-nut in Taylorsville.”
Kaylee used her free hand to rub Roxy’s back. “I’m sure it will blow over.”
Roxy gave a sarcastic laugh. “Blow over? In North Carolina? HB2 was only a few years ago, hon. Don’t tell me you forgot that hell already.”
Stopping at a bench in the center of the walkway, Roxy took a seat and set down her bags. Kaylee sat next to her, crossing her legs and leaning back. She was wearing a pair of chunky heels and it felt good to get off her feet for a second. “You really think they’ll try something like that again after that shit show? I’m sure they don’t want to face a bunch of boycotts again.”
“This is different,” Roxy retorted. “Now they have an actual instance to point to.”
“He wasn’t trans!” Kaylee insisted. “He has a full beard for fuck’s sake. At no point did he ever claim to identify as female.”
Roxy shook her head. “Won’t matter. It’s someone with a penis harming a cis girl in a bathroom; everything they need is right there on a platter.”
“Speaking of bathrooms, I gotta pee,” Kaylee said. She loved hanging out with Roxy, but her friend was killing the mood and she wanted to change the subject before everything became all doom and gloom.
“I’ll hold it till the food court.”
Kaylee pointed. “But there’s a bathroom right there. The food court is a long way away.”
“It’s the only spot with a family bathroom.”
“What does that matter?”
Roxy tilted her head back and took a deep breath. “Look, Kaylee. I love you like a sister. You know that, right?”
“Yea.”
“You gotta pull your head out of your ass.”
Kaylee tilted her head. “Excuse me?”
“Your passing privilege is going to your head. Not all of us can just waltz in and out of the women’s room without causing a scene.”
“You pass just fine!” Kaylee insisted. “You look great!”
“You do remember that our cashier at Macy’s called me ‘sir’, right?”
Kaylee opened her mouth to speak, but she knew there was nothing to say back.
Roxy pulled a stick of gum out of her purse and unwrapped it. “Tell you what,” she said before popping the gum into her mouth. “See that group of boys over there?”
Kaylee looked up. There were three guys standing against the wall. They all appeared to be in their mid twenties. The trio was huddled together, talking and laughing about something she couldn’t determine. “Yea.”
“There’s a trash can on the other side of them. I’m going over there to throw this gum wrapper away. You watch them while I move. If you don’t see them stare at me, laugh at me, or anything like that, I’ll go to the bathroom with you. If they do, you gotta buy me lunch.”
Before Kaylee could respond, Roxy stood and made her way to the trash can. Kaylee sighed softly. The boys were looking at her before she was ten feet away. One put a hand over his mouth to hide his sudden outburst of laughter. The other two started whispering back and forth. Roxy walked past them, seemingly unphased, and tossed her gum wrapper in the trash. All three boys were laughing now, and it made Kaylee’s stomach turn. On her way back, Roxy was treated to one of them shouting ‘tranny freak’. Roxy sat back down, crossed her legs, and stared at Kaylee.
“I’ll have sushi,” Roxy said.
“Rox…” Kaylee said softly. “I… I…”
“You…you…need to check your privilege,” Roxy said sternly. “You may be trans, but you live in a different world from most of us. Stop assuming this is as easy for everyone because it is for you.” Kaylee felt like shit. She didn’t know what to say, but knew nothing she did say would be appropriate. Roxy put a hand on her knee. “Listen, despite what you just saw, I love myself,” Roxy assured. “I like my body, and I’ve got tons of cam followers that love it too. This ain’t about me wanting to look cis. I just want to be treated like I was.”
“I’m so sorry,” Kaylee said meekly.
Roxy smiled. “Don’t sweat it; I’m not. You think I give a flying fuck what those boys think? They wish they could have a girl like you or me, whether they know it or not. Now, go pee quick so I can have my sushi.”
Kaylee smiled. “I’ll hold it till we get to the food court.”
The two girls stood an tured. Kaylee had only taken a few steps before a familiar face emerged from the crowd ahead. “Holy shit!” she said softly but excitedly.
“What?” Roxy asked.
Kaylee pointed. “It’s Brandon!”
He noticed her the moment she pointed. Though at a distance, Kaylee could see the smile she loved so much lighting up his face. His steps quickened as he made his way toward them.
Roxy leaned on her back leg and her eyes went wide. “Girl, you said he was fine, you didn’t say he was that fine.”
“Well, fancy meeting you here!” Brandon said as he stopped just in front of them. Kaylee leaned forward and hugged him. They’d made out the night before, so a hug now didn’t seem too forward. He embraced her, and Kaylee enjoyed the gentle squeeze of his bicep on her back.
“I know, right?!” Kaylee replied. “What are you doing here?”
“My sister’s birthday is next week, so I’m just out gift shopping.”
“Nice! You know what you’re getting her?” Kaylee asked.
Brandon laughed. “Not a damn clue! I’m so bad at this.”
“Well…would you like some help?” Kaylee inquired with a smile.
“You would be a lifesaver,” he replied.
“Eh-hem,” Roxy said. Her fake throat clear wiped the flirty smile off Kaylee’s face.
“Oh, right. Sorry. Brandon, this is Roxy. She’s one of my roommates.”
“Ah, very nice to meet you,” Brandon said while extending his hand. Roxy placed her fingers on his palm. She always said firm handshakes were for dudes and lesbians.
“You as well,” Roxy said. “Kaylee has talked about you constantly.”
“Roxy!” Kaylee snapped.
Brandon chuckled. “All good things, I hope. Listen, I don’t want to be a third wheel here. If you two already had plans then…”
“Oh no,” Roxy insisted. “I’ve got some new equipment I need to set up for work anyway.”
“What do you do?”
“Um…my work is web-based,” Roxy half explained. “Let’s leave it at that for now.”
“Well, I just need to run to the bathroom,” Brandon said. His eyes turned to Kaylee. “Still be here when I get back?”
She smiled. “Absolutely.”
Brandon headed off for the bathrooms. The two girls watched him as he walked away.
“Yep, he thinks you’re cis,” Roxy said.
“You sure?”
Roxy nodded. “You could tell it in his look.”
“How did he look at me?”
Roxy rolled her eyes. “Not at you, honey; at me. His eyes said, ‘holy shit, that’s a tranny’ the second he saw me; meaning it’s surprising to him that you would be with me.”
“So, what should I do?” Kaylee asked.
Roxy turned and put a hand on her arm. “He seems sweet, but don’t let your guard down,” she suggested. “If you gotta tell him, make sure you’re in a safe place. Don’t be in close proximity and try not to be alone with him.”
Kaylee’s skin crawled. “You really think he’d react that badly?”
“Cis guys don’t like finding out the girls they wanna fuck used to be dudes. It, like, messes with them on a subconscious level. Guys are trained to think anything even a little gay makes them less of a man. If they think that’s questionable, they’ll resort to violence to prove their manhood again. It happened to a girl I know online.”
“Really?”
Roxy nodded. “She met a guy at a bar. One thing led to another and suddenly they’re making out in the alley behind the building. He reached down between her legs, found something he wasn’t expecting, and lost his shit.” Roxy looked her in the eyes. Her concern was palpable. “He knocked out three of her teeth and broke her nose. If someone hadn’t come running when she screamed, he probably would have killed her.”
Kaylee suddenly felt cold. Brandon was so sweet. It was hard to imagine him reacting like that, but she knew it was possible.
“Make a guy question his manhood, and he’ll become a completely different person.” Roxy said.
“You think I should back away?” Kaylee asked.
Roxy shook her head. “Just be careful and don’t do anything stupid.” Brandon was coming back now. Roxy gave Kaylee a hug. “You’ll be fine, honey. Just use your head.”
“See you at home,” Kaylee said.
“Nice to meet you!” Roxy said loudly to Brandon as he approached. They waved at each other and Roxy disappeared into the crowds of shoppers. “You still owe me a lunch, Kaylee!”
“What was that about?” he asked.
“Inside joke,” Kaylee lied.
“So…um…can I ask you a question?” Brandon asked.
“Sure.”
“Your friend Roxy. Is she…like…transgender?”
Kaylee’s pulse quickened. Her knuckles turned white against the handles of the Macy’s bag she was holding. “I’m…not sure if it’s right for me to talk about that,” she replied. It wasn’t her place to out Roxy, but she obviously wasn’t keeping a big secret by not.
“Hey, no judgement here,” Brandon continued. “That’s super brave of her to be out like that.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah. I knew a trans girl in college and she was really cool. This state has put them all through a lot of shit.”
Kaylee’s body remained still, but in her mind, she was jumping up and down and singing. She at least knew now he was cool with trans people. A part of her wanted to go ahead and tell him now, but a small sliver of sense held her tongue. After all, her mother used to say she was ‘okay’ with trans people too, until it was her kid. When son Kyle sat her down and told her she was really Kaylee, suddenly being trans was a lot less cool.
“That’s really great of you,” Kaylee said warmly. “So, where do you want to start?”
Brandon shrugged.
“What kind of stuff does your sister like?”
“Um…clothes?”
Kaylee slapped her forehead in an overly dramatic gesture. “What’s her style?”
He shrugged.
“Ug, boys,” she said with a laugh. “Show me some pictures of her. Does she have a Facebook?”
“Yea, sure.” Brandon retrieved his phone from the pocket of his jeans. His thumbs swiped across the screen, searching for the right page. “You have a Facebook?” he asked while staring at the screen.
“I do,” she replied, “but I’m barely ever on there.” She averted her eyes, not wanting him to see in her face that she was lying. Barely a day past that she wasn’t posting to Facebook, and it was usually selfies. But her online presence held more than a few giveaway regarding her trans status, so best to keep him away for now.
“I probably use it more than I should,” he said. “Here she is.” Brandon held out the phone to let Kaylee study the picture.
“Okay; she’s got kind of a boho-chic thing going for her.”
“A what?”
“Boho-chic.”
Brandon laughed. “Gesundheit.”
Now Kaylee was laughing too. God, how she loved his sense of humor. “I’m going to have to teach you everything,” she said. “Follow me. I know just the store.” Kaylee paused when she felt Brandon’s hand slip into hers. It startled her. Kaylee whipped her head back to face him and his eyes grew wide.
“I’m sorry,” he blurted out. “I didn’t know if that would be too forward or not but, after our kiss last night…I…”
She smiled warmly and gave his hand a squeeze. “Don’t worry so much,” she said. “If this wasn’t obvious, I’m, like, seriously into you.”
He blushed. “The feelings mutual.” Hand in hand, the two made their way through the crowded mall. “Oh, I was going to ask you something,” he said after playfully slapping his forehead.
Kaylee gave him a puzzled look.
“My roommate and I are throwing a little party for the disk team; just something fun to do since they’re rescheduling our match. Did you want to go?”
“Where is it?”
“At our apartment.”
At those words, Kaylee’s conscious was kidnapped and replaced by the voice of Roxy. Assuming the new position, Roxy reminded her that a strange apartment full of jocks is likely the last place a trans woman should be going. There were a thousand ways it could go wrong, and most of them involved one of his friends clocking her and spilling the beans. Guys finding out they want to fuck a trans girl was one thing, but for the revelation to come while surrounded by ‘the bros’ would be a recipe for disaster. Roxy was loud, but not loud enough to override her fluttering heart as she squeezed Brandon’s hand. All of her risky decisions so far had paid off. Why not roll the dice again?
“Sounds like fun,” she said with a smile.
“I’ll pick you up.”
