Kaylee’s early twenties were a tough time. She was nineteen when she figured out she was transgender, but it would still be years before she came to terms with it. Her young adult years were spent trying to hide her femininity. She had super short hair and a goatee. Her wardrobe was a collection of baggy t-shirts and jeans. Kaylee surrounded herself with some terrible people, men who she knew, deep down, were nightmarish. Back then she went by Kyle. Kyle’s days were spent in class at UNCC, but his night were spent in bars getting drunk and hitting on women he didn’t want with guys he didn’t want to be with.
Jason, Chester, and Derrick were Kyle’s trio of ‘bros’. The four of them were constantly getting into trouble. Kaylee couldn’t recall any weekends back then when Kyle actually stayed sober. But it wasn’t just going out and getting drunk that was tough. Those were actually the easier times, because the alcohol took away some of the hurt. It was when Kyle and the boys were just hanging out that things always turned really uncomfortable.
One instance in particular always made Kaylee cringe to think back on. It was a Wednesday afternoon. Kyle’s last class had just let out and they were all meeting up under the clock tower at the student center. Summer was approaching and the weather couldn’t have been better. Kyle and Jason were leaning against the base of the clock, people watching as they waited on the others. They chatted about approaching finals and finding jobs over the summer. As they talked, Derrick came running down the long concrete staircase. Kyle could see he was holding back from laughing uproariously.
“Guys, guys! Look behind me!” he said as he dashed over. Derrick was tall and stocky with dark, black hair and a thin-line beard. He stopped and turned with a finger extended back down the stairs. Kyle and Jason looked towards the top of the stairs. There was a girl in a blue dress. She was tall, with wide shoulders and a squared jaw. Her makeup was trying and failing to conceal the stubble on her chin. A knot formed in Kyle’s stomach.
“That’s a dude!” Derrick said. He couldn’t control his laughter anymore, doubling over and putting his hands on his knees.
“Holy shit!” Jason responded.
Kyle looked on in silence, with knees shaking but a forced smile on his face. Kyle was the outward appearance, but Kaylee was the truth locked away inside. And she was panicking. The girl on the stairs glanced rapidly from side to side. A stack of books were hugged tightly to her chest.
“Hey, Kyle, I know you wanna hit that, right?!” Derrick said while punching Kyle in the shoulder playfully.
“Fuck no!” Kyle said with as much sincere disgust as Kaylee could force.
“What’s going on?” Chester asked as he emerged from the student center. He had shoulder-length, wavy blond hair and patchy facial hair. A thin pair of glasses covered his blue eyes.
“There’s a fucking tranny about to come down the steps!” Derrick said. At this point, even his laughter seemed forced, like he was laughing just for the sake of making it more hurtful for that poor woman. Chester looked up the stairs. His eyes widened and a hand went over his mouth. The other boys laughed as he pantomimed throwing up.
Kyle’s eyes were focused on the woman. She’d spotted them. She knew they were laughing and knew it was about her. She sidestepped as she descended the stairs, trying to move as far away from them as possible. The other boys continued to joke to each other. Through Kyle’s eyes, Kaylee tried to tell the girl staring at them, tears running down her cheeks, that she was sorry. She was going into the activity center, meaning she had to walk right by them. The woman kept her eyes on the door and quickened her steps. She wanted the moment to be over just like Kyle did.
“Aren’t you going to go ask out your new girlfriend?” Derrick asked Kyle.
“Fuck, no!” Kyle shouted. “Sick!”
Then Derrick did the thing Kaylee absolutely didn’t want him to do. Before the woman could reach for the door handle, he turned to her and cupped his hands around his mouth. “Hey!” he shouted. “Will you go out with my friend here?! He’s really into cock!”
The girls said nothing, only ran through the door and disappeared into the activity center. On the outside, Kyle laughed jubilantly. On the inside, Kaylee sobbed uncontrollably. She knew this was what coming out would mean. This is how it would go. This is the treatment she was guaranteed to suffer through should she dare reveal herself.
Brandon’s apartment was reminding her of that day at the clocktower.
Alternative rock blared from speakers on either side of the 32 inch TV, which was playing a college football game with the sound muted. The air smelled of menthol vape clouds. It was a small apartment, only two bedrooms upstairs with a single bathroom. The kitchen was essentially just a wall of the dining room. Kaylee sat on the edge of stained, brown couch. There were tears in the cushion, and she could feel something digging into her side from beneath the upholstery. She had a Miller Lite bottle in her left hand and her bare feet were tucked up under her legs. Another empty bottle was on a mini fridge by the couch doubling as an end table. She had on a blue tanktop and jeans. Her black bra straps were exposed beneath the straps of her top.
Brandon plopped down beside her, shaking the couch slightly. “Having fun?” he asked while setting his half-finished third can of Busch Light on the coffee table. He wasn’t drunk, but well on his way, and it made her uncomfortable. On their way over, she’d imagined only the fun ways this night could go, but the testosterone-soaked den she entered sent her into a small panic. There were posters of swimsuit models on the walls. A bookcase in the corner held stacks of Blu-ray boxes and a few anime figurines. A large bust of a dragon’s head sat in the middle of the top shelf. Above the TV, a Celtic broadsword hung on the wall, looking strangely out of place. It was a world comprised of whatever he and his roommate, Jeff, had collected along their travels in life.
“I guess so,” she said without making eye contact. She took a sip of her beer. Kaylee didn’t want to get drunk, but she wanted enough alcohol in her to relax. She was in no perceivable danger. Still, environments like this always drudged up dark memories and feelings she wanted to keep in the past where they belonged.
Brandon cocked his head to the side. “You okay?”
“Sure.” She kept her voice low and her words short. She was in survival mode. Brandon was sweet, but knowing this was where he lived made her question her choices up until now. It made her wonder what other sides of him she wasn’t seeing.
In the corner of the dining room, a dart board hung surrounded by innumerable tiny holes in the sheetrock. Jeff stood a few paces away with a group of guys behind him. Everyone had a beer in hand save for Jeff, who was getting ready to throw his next dart. “Brandon!” Jeff shouted.
“What?”
Kaylee heard the thwack of a dart hitting the board. “Get your ass in here. Your new girlfriend needs to see how bad you suck at darts.”
“That’s exactly why I’m not in there, dumbass!’ he said with a laugh. His attention turned to Kaylee again. She was staring off into the middle distance, but could track his movements out of the corner of her eye. “Sorry about Jeff.”
“He’s fine.”
Kaylee watched as Brandon’s hand gently rested on her knee. “Listen, we can get out of here if you want.”
Sheepishly, she turned towards him. “Did you tell him I was your girlfriend?”
“What?”
“Jeff called me your girlfriend. Is that what you told him.”
He shook his head. “I told him the girl I went out with last night was coming over. I didn’t say girlfriend.”
Kaylee loosened her muscles, allowing her legs to extend out across the couch towards his leg. She took another sip of beer. “I don’t mean to be so closed off,” she said. “Jeff…this place…they just don’t seem much like the you I know.”
He chuckled a bit. “Promise to keep this conversation between us?”
She laughed. “You think I’m going to go running over and tell them anything?”
“Fair enough. Listen, most of the stuff in here is his. Jeff’s in my disk club and offered me a room when his old roommate moved out. It was cheaper than where I was at so I said okay. Most of the nerdy stuff is mine, but the whole place is largely how it was when I moved in.”
“What about the sword?”
Brandon rolled his eyes. “Lame, hu? He bought it at a comic book shop years ago. It’s about as sharp as this couch cushion.”
She giggled into her hand. “Based on what I’m sitting on, that sounds positively lethal!”
They both laughed. She scooted closer to him. The smell of his aftershave overpowered the vape mist, drawing her closer. She rested her head on his shoulder and his arm wrapped around her back. Kaylee trembled as his finger slowly ran up and down her bare arm. Her breaths quickened and her heart pounded. God, she wanted him. As a cis woman, she’d be asking to see his room with obviously faked innocence. She wanted to be heading for the stairs while fishing for the condom she kept at the bottom of her purse.
This shouldn’t have to be this complicated.
“You’re being lame!” Jeff shouted from the kitchen. “The party is in here!”
“Lay off!” Brandon shouted back.
Kaylee could feel the alcohol in her system doing its thing. Her fear was melting away with how hot he was making her. Her hand rubbed across his chest and she snuggled in close. “He thinks the party is in there, hu?”
He gave a little moan, deep and throaty like the purr of a lion. Kaylee was so turned on her skin felt hot. His arm tensed around her torso, pulling her closer. She was almost sitting on his leg now, and his hand, firmly placed on her ass, was holding her to him. “I like this party better,” he whispered.
Kaylee couldn’t stand it anymore. She threw her left leg over him, straddling him and digging her knees into the couch cushions. She cupped her hands on the back of his neck and leaned in close. Their lips met and the world disappeared. His scruff scratched at her face, but she only pressed harder. Kaylee closed her eyes when his tongue slipped past her teeth.
Her body went into autopilot. Uncontrollably, Kaylee grinded her ass against his crotch. His hands grasped her hips and took over, pushing and pulling her back and forth. She could feel his cock springing to life below his shorts. Unfortunately, so was her’s.
Please, don’t do this! I don’t want to get hard! I just want him! God damn my body! Fear set in once again. Reason wrestled control of her body away from her aching libido. Kaylee pushed away, letting their lips part and lifting her ass off his lap. She was breathing heavily with her eyes wide. It physically hurt to pull away from him, but she didn’t have a choice.
“What is it?” he asked. She watched his eyes, trying to determine how he was interpreting what just happened. His gaze went down to where there groins were suspended inches apart.
Oh God! Don’t look at me there! What if he sees a bulge?! Her heart was pounding with a mixture of leftover passion and newly arrived terror. If he noticed a bulge under her jeans now, she could very likely end up like Roxy’s friend; only worse since Brandon had an apartment full of guys to back him up. She thought back to that day at the clock tower, to the laughter and ridicule that poor girl suffered just for daring to wear women’s clothing in public. What would Derrick have done if he discovered a girl he was just making out with was trans, especially in a room full of other guys? He would have killed her, no doubt. Why didn’t I listen to you, Roxy?
“Oh come on, you can’t fault me for that!” he said.
“Hu?” she said.
“Well, when you’re grinding on me like that, I’m going to pop a boner; can’t help it.”
She let out a long breath. He was talking about his dick. He thought she was surprised that he’d gotten hard. Under less terrifying circumstances, the whole thing would have been hilarious. “Hey, I’m just glad I turn you on that much.”
He squeezed her ass. “Damn right you do.”
There was a loud, long whistle from the dining room. Kaylee and Brandon looked over to see the rest of the guys standing in the entryway staring at them. Jeff was in the middle. He had a bald head and a pointed goatee half a foot long. His ears were gaged out and a series of tattoos ran up and down his arms. “You have a room, you know,” Jeff said with a coy smirk.
“You guys go back to your little game,” Brandon said with a confident smirk. “I’m happy right where I am.”
“Hey, at least you gettin’ some,” Jeff said. “Don’t let us interrupt.” The boys went back to the kitchen, leaving them alone on the couch. Kaylee sat back on his legs and rested her hands on his thighs.
“Listen,” Brandon said. “I don’t wanna force you into anything, but I want you so goddamn bad right now and I do have a room upstairs so if…”
Kaylee put a finger to his lips, halting his sentence. He was so sweet, so considerate. She thought back over all the guys she’d known in her life, all the guys who’d have considered what they just did as consent to do whatever they pleased. Even now, with her sitting on his lap and his cock half stiff, he remained so respectful.
Still, there was no crossing this line without telling him. All of her hormones, the hair removal sessions, the voice coaching; all of it had given her the opportunity for an amazing experience these last few days. But she was still pre-op, and sex was a cis-perience out of her grasp. She wanted this, but this was not the place. If she was finally going to break the news to him, it would have to be on her own terms and in the safest place for her she could think of. With her finger still on his lips, she leaned over to the coffee table and fished out her phone.
“What are you doing?” he asked as she finally lifted his speaking ban.
“Calling a Lyft,” she answered. “You’re too drunk to drive me back.”
He looked puzzled. “You’re going home?”
Kaylee gave him a playful smile. “Yep, and your fine ass is coming with me.”