It was a miracle Kaylee hadn’t wrecked her car on her way to Dos Amigos restaurant. Not only was she nervously shaking, but her eyes constantly left the road to check her reflection in the visor mirror. It wasn’t for vanities sake, though she was often prone to it. It had been nearly a year since the last time she was on a date, and she’d never dated a guy while presenting authentically. The only boys she’d ever been out with were gay. This was something different. Not only was Brandon straight, she supposed, but he also seemed to think she was cisgender. That prospect was exciting, but also terrifying.
Kaylee would be the first to admit she had a lot of things going for her prior to transition. Even before she took her first Estradiol pill she looked pretty feminine. Her skin was fair with very little body hair. Her adam’s apple barely showed. Hormones served more as icing on the cake rather than a dramatic transformation.
Still, that didn’t mean she was without masculine features, the most glaring of which being her height. She hated standing in groups, especially with cis women. Even in flats she towered over most of them. Kaylee always felt like she stuck out figuratively, but standing half a foot taller than most other women made it literal as well.
The parking lot was packed as she pulled in. After turning the key and shutting off the engine, she found herself frozen in place. Her heart raced. It had been a while since she experienced this, but she recognized the feeling. In her early days of transition, going into a crowded place was always nerve wracking. There were always eyes on her, whispers started flying after she passed people by. It had been months since she felt a room staring at her. Sure, the occasional person clocked her and made for an uncomfortable moment, but then it would pass and life would resume.
It was strange to be this nervous about going into a restaurant again. It wasn’t that she thought everyone would tell she was trans, but the thought of sitting with a guy she didn’t know and convincing him for an entire evening was terrifying. Her fingers played with the hem of her pleated, black skirt. She figured it was too dressy for this kind of date, but Lauren had been so eager to dress her up. Truthfully, seeing herself in the mirror on her closet door boosted her confidence. Kaylee had legs for days. They were one of her best features. Some cute flats and a flowy white shirt with drop shoulders rounded out the look. In the bedroom mirror she’d seen a confident, sexy woman.
Now, she saw a guy in a skirt.
She was two parking rows from the door. There was a trio of guys smoking just outside. She cringed, not liking the idea of having to walk through them. Maybe she would just wait for them to go back inside. This lack of confidence was so unlike her, but this was unlike anything she’d experienced before. The door opened and a hetero couple exited with their leftovers in styrofoam containers. A hand caught the door before it shut, and Kaylee saw Brandon’s head poking out to survey the parking lot.
“Oh, shit!” she said to herself. He was already here. Was his hotel close by? How eager was he to see her? Her hands shook in her lap. Closing her eyes, Kaylee took a couple of deep breaths. “You’ve got this,” she whispered. “You’re confident and he’s really into you. Don’t wimp out now.” She reached for the handle and opened the door. The air was hot and muggy after the storm and she could already smell grilled chicken and peppers wafting from the restaurant. She was careful to keep her legs closed as she stood, knowing her Corolla was pretty low to the ground for a 6 foot woman to be getting out of in a thigh-length skirt.
He was waving at her before she even shut the door. Even in the dim streetlights, she could see that cute smile on his face. It made her relax a little. He looked so genuinely happy to see her. She smiled and wiggled her fingers. He was wearing a polo shirt, dark blue jeans and brown shoes. He was more dressed up to see her than he was to get on an airplane.
Kaylee took small steps across the parking lot. One thing she’d learned in transition was to shorten her stride; it made her look more feminine. The three smoking guys were looking up now and she felt a lump in her throat. There were only two reasons she ever got stared at: either someone thought she was hot or they could tell she was trans. Kaylee tried to keep her attention on Brandon. If she’d been clocked by the guys, she’d find out regardless of whether or not she watched them.
“Don’t you look amazing,” Brandon said with a big grin. Kaylee melted. His voice entranced her, and she caught his eyes scanning her hungrily. She knew she was blushing, and a moment later she knew he could tell.
“Thank you,” she replied. “I hope I’m not too dressy.”
“Not at all. Let’s go get a table.”
The restaurant was noisy. An amalgam of indiscernible conversations were accentuated by the crackling of sizzling fajitas and clinking glasses. The air was alive with the smells of meats and spices. They were led to a table on the far wall. Kaylee was relieved to be sitting again. Standing in a room where most were seated meant lots of eyes on her, and that’s exactly what she didn’t want. She was glad to be with a guy taller than her, but the waiter was only about five foot eight, and she felt like she towered over him.
Brandon sat across from her. The waiter put a basket of chips and bowl of salsa on the table before asking for drink orders.
“Can I see a beer list?” Kaylee asked. Whenever she talked she tightened her throat and put extra air behind her words to raise the pitch of her voice. It was second nature to her now, but in situations like this, where passing felt of dire importance, she put a lot more conscious effort into making it sound as convincing as possible.
“Si, senorita,” he said before stepping back to the server station. Kaylee let out a sigh of relief. Senorita: a female pronoun. It was always reassuring to hear them. The waiter returned with the list and handed it to her.
“Um…I’ll have a Stella, please,” Kaylee requested.
“Same for me,” Brandon said. “You know good beer,” he said with a grin. “Definitely off to a good start.”
Kaylee was a bit of a beer enthusiast, but truthfully she just knew she wouldn’t get through this without a little booze. “Sorry your match got rained out,” she said.
“It happens,” Brandon replied. There will be other matches.”
“I just hate to think you flew all this way for nothing. They should at least reschedule.”
“Flew?” Brandon said with a puzzled look.
Kaylee grabbed a chip and dipped it into the salsa. “Flew? As in flew into town for the meet?” Was she not making sense?
Brandon’s eyes went wide and he laughed. “Oh! Oh, you thought I… Now that is funny!”
“Am I missing something?”
“You thought I was at the airport because I got off a plane. I was picking up another player.”
“What?!” Kaylee asked with more surprise than she wanted to show.
“Yea, I live in Belmont.”
Kaylee felt a cold sweat on the back of her neck. He was local. Belmont was about twenty minutes away. She cursed her stupidity. Why didn’t she ask where he was from back at the airport? This changed everything. No longer was this definitely a one-time thing. His interest wasn’t passing. It was going to be challenging enough keeping up the cisgender charade for one evening. There was no way this could be any more than that.
“You okay?” he asked.
She’d been staring off into space, leaving a chip half submerged in the salsa. Her other hand was rubbing her knee, something she was prone to do when scared. Keep cool, Kaylee. Don’t let this trip you up. “Yea, just a pleasant surprise,” she answered. “Here I thought you were some mysterious stranger from out of town.”
“Well, I can play that part if you’d prefer,” he said with a coy grin.
Kaylee couldn’t help but smile again. Christ, he was so charming. And that smile of his drove her wild. He still hadn’t shaved since this morning, and she was dying to run her hands across his cheeks.
“I’m sure that sounded stupid,” he admitted.
“Oh no,” Kaylee insisted. “I actually thought it was kind of cute.”
“Can I be honest with you?” he said after a pause.
Kaylee took a sip of her beer. A ring of lipstick stained the rim of the bottle. “Absolutely.”
“I’m actually really nervous and afraid I’m trying too hard and it’s coming across either desperate or dorky.”
“Why would you say that?” Kaylee had to admit, his vulnerability was keeping her distracted from her own worries.
“I’m never this forward with, you know, asking out someone out that I just met.”
“Well, that begs the question then: why me?”
“I…I don’t know. I came out of a nasty breakup a few months ago; last girlfriend cheated on me.”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“I’m just happy it’s over. The more I look back the more I realize how bad she was for me. You struck up a conversation with me at the airport and seemed like you were into me.”
Kaylee lowered her head. “Was I that obvious?”
“Yes, and I mean that as a compliment,” he insisted. “I’m thick as cement so otherwise I’d have never picked up on it. Girls aren’t usually as forward as you.”
“Still a compliment?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll admit, this isn’t common for me either,” Kaylee said after taking another sip of beer. “It’s been years since I’ve been on a date.”
“So why did you roll the dice with me?”
Kaylee stared off into space for a moment. “We’ll, for starters, I thought you were really cute.” No sense in being shy if he’s being this open with me. Maybe he’d be okay with me being trans. He certainly does seem the open minded type.
“Is that so?” He asked playfully.
“Yea, and I’ve got to say, you flirting with me was a big confidence booster. I’m really not used to guys looking at me like that?”
“Why? Are they intimidated by a tall woman?”
Kaylee’s eyes darted from side to side as she picked up her beer. “Sure, we’ll say it’s that.”
“No worries,” he said reassuringly. “I have a cousin about your height and she has exactly the same problem you do.”
I doubt it.
The waiter returned to take their orders. Kaylee was starting to feel relaxed and that worried her. The conversation went on long after their plates were cleared. She was sure she was boring him as she talked about her job, but his interest never seemed to wane. Meeting new people was something Kaylee always enjoyed; there was always so much to learn. Brandon worked at his dad’s clothing store and was set to manage a second location they were preparing to open next year. They specialized in outdoors apparel and gear. He looked like a man who liked to get out in the woods, another thing that made him just her type.
“That’s great you have such a good relationship with your parents,” Kaylee said.
“I’m guessing that means you don’t?” Brandon questioned.
“Not exactly.”
“May I ask why?”
Kaylee sighed. “Not on the first date. You gotta get to at least level two to unlock that door.”
Ha laughed. “I take it you’re a gamer nerd then?”
“Oh, yea!” she said enthusiastically.
“What’s your system?”
“PS4”
“Oh no!” Brandon said with cheesy dramatic emphasis. “I play on Xbox! There’s no hope for us now, for we are on on opposite sides of the war!”
Kaylee doubled over laughing. Her elbows slid across the table, taking her hands well past the long empty chip bowl. “Fear not! I will forsake the rivalries of gaming factions to be with you.”
Her eyes were down when she felt Brandon’s hands wrap around hers. He was warm, but Kaylee’s hands were usually cold. There was a slight roughness to his skin. She gasped a little as the touch took her breath away. Her head darted up, letting her lock eyes with him. He had the look of a man who knew he had gambled by touching her hand and was waiting to see if the dice landed in his favor. When she squeezed back, she could tell he knew they had.
She didn’t want it to end. Other patrons had come in, ate, and left as they continued to sit there and talk. Two hours had past before Kaylee could blink. It wasn’t just that she was enjoying herself, though she most certainly was. Kaylee couldn’t help but worry that this would be their one and only date. He was clearly into her and she wanted him so bad she couldn’t stand it, but he still seemed convinced she was cisgender. Thinking he was from out of town had made coming here easier. If a definite goodbye was understood to be inevitable, she wouldn’t have to worry about getting this attached. All night she’d been wanting to not leave, and now she wanted him to never let go of her hand.
They paid for their meal and stepped back out into the muggy Charlotte night air. Restaurant chatter was replaced by honking horns and distant sirens. He walked her to her car, keeping his fingers wrapped in hers for every step. When they reached the driver door they stood face to face. Neither of them seemed to know how the next moment should go, but their hands were still interlocked and Kaylee wanted not to let go.
“So, what are the chances of me getting to level two?” he asked.
Inside, Kaylee was screaming. He was just perfect. If she were cis, this would have been the biggest no brainer in history. But she wasn’t, and she was the only one who knew that. Everything that had happened tonight, every magical moment, was built on an unstable foundation. Caution told her to say no, or at least to say she’d call him later so she could make decisions in a more rational mindset.
But there was another voice, a voice that had been quietly whispering in the back of her mind but now insisted on shouting. Fuck caution! Fuck depriving myself because I’m not cis! I deserve romance! I deserve to date a hot guy! Stop overthinking this and just enjoy your cis-perience as long as you can!
She leaned in and planted her lips on his. She’d been staring at them all night, watching them move with each word he said, wondering what kissing him would be like. Kaylee closed her eyes as her heart raced. Her soul demanded this moment of absolute selfishness and was relishing in it. Brandon’s hand slipped from hers and for a moment she worried she’d moved too fast. But when she felt his palms squeezing her waist she reached heaven. Kaylee didn’t know how long the kiss actually lasted, but it could have gone until dawn and not been long enough. When they finally parted, she sat in her dark car and watched him walk away.
“What the fuck am I going to do?”
