Like many transgender people, I experience something called body dysphoria. That can seem like a weird term to anyone whose either not experienced it or not heard of it. Basically, body dysphoria means the person I see in the mirror doesn’t match the image of myself in my head. Think of it like Neo from The Matrix when his appearance changes once he’s in the computer simulation to the way he sees himself. (By the way, that movie was written by two male siblings who later both came out as transgender women so…yea…it’s basically one long metaphor for the trans experience told through the lens a sci-fi shoot’em up.)
Body dysphoira is something you’d assume goes away when you transition, but it doesn’t. Through hormone therapies and various medical procedures, a transgender person’s body can go through an amazing metamorphosis. Estrogen thins body hair, enlarges breasts, and softens skin. Testosterone produces facial hair and deepens the voice. I’ve been on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) for just over a year now and I can tell you that the difference a year makes is astounding. Actually, let me show you…
Pretty drastic, hu? It still blows me away sometimes when I look at the pictures side by side. However, there are a lot of times when I look in the mirror and see…well…this guy…
Believe it or not, that was ME! That was me prior to coming out as transgender. It looks nothing like me now, and yet I still see that face sometimes when I look in the mirror. How is that possible? Well, dysphoria plays a role. See, prior to starting transition I’d been watching that man’s face stare back at me in the mirror my entire life. I didn’t like it, but it was what I was used to. It was the face of a man, no denying it. Seeing a face like that and knowing it was mine was a big source of anxiety and depression for me. I didn’t want to look like that.
See, the problem with HRT is that it’s a very slow process. These aren’t magic pills (or injections depending on what your doctor prescribes). It takes a long time to see change and, when you do, they’re very subtle. I didn’t look back at any old pictures until I’d been on HRT for about 6 months and even then I was shocked by the contrast. Like anything that changes slowly, you don’t notice the change unless you compare it back to the original image.
That’s all well and good, but I can’t just keep holding up a picture of that guy next to me every time I look in the mirror. If you don’t experience gender dysphoria you have no idea what kind of emotional havoc it can cause. What you see in the mirror can be distorted by your mood that day. Some days I think I look very womanly, even without makeup. Other days I can be dolled up like a damn princess and still see that guy looking back at me. It’s a frustrating thing to go through, especially when you’ve got friends and family trying to encourage you by telling you how good you look. It’s great that they see it, but what matters is if you do.
Well, I think I found a little trick to help. My birthday was a few days ago and I decided I wanted to do something I’d never done before: color my hair. I did it for a couple of reasons: first to just do something fun and new and second to cover up the ever-increasing number of gray hairs I was seeing.
…getting old sucks…
I wen’t with a bright red and instantly fell in love with the new look. It was hot!
Changing anything drastically has a tendency freshen things up. It can alter your mood, outlook, thinking…anything! However, I soon noticed a positive aspect of the change I wasn’t expecting: it helped my dysphoria. The more I thought about it the more sense it made. Unlike the effects of HRT, coloring your hair is an instant and dramatic change. Depending on how drastically different your chosen color is from your natural one, it can make you look like a completely different person, and that was the key. By skewing my reflection so much so fast, I was able to look at myself like a brand new human being. This new person in the mirror, I’d never met her before. I’d never grown up as her. She’d never had to live as a boy. She wasn’t familiar, and because of that, I didn’t notice her masculine features as much.
I’m not saying it went away entirely. My eyes still focus sometimes on my wide jaw or boxy chin. But the difference in hair color makes them less noticeable. If you’re reading this and thinking this is a sure-fire cure for body dysphoria, please adjust your expectations. Still, I wanted to share this experience in case anyone out there like me is looking for a way to really shake up the person they see in the mirror. If you’re like me and struggling to focus on the minuscule changes HRT is bringing you, go grab a box of hair dye and turn your brunette blond, or your blond red, or whatever. Give your hormones an unfamiliar canvas to work their magic on. Like me, you might be surprised by the results.
